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Family 411
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Esther A. Ludlow, M.A. : Posted on Monday, February 13, 2012 1:15 PM
You may have seen the video on Facebook or on You Tube of the dad who is so angry with his daughter’s Facebook post that he destroys her laptop on camera. (You can watch it here:
Many parents are applauding him. They say that he is in the right, he is showing his daughter who is boss, is not taking her disrespect in stride, etc. I, however, find this father to be completely missing the point and his actions to be not only over the top, but disturbing and very damaging to his relationship with his daughter and displaying ineffective parenting.
How many mistakes did this dad make? Plenty. Let’s start with:
- Doesn’t respond at all to what his daughter is communicating, but lectures instead. The post he reads to the camera (second mistake - see below) that his daughter wrote to him and her mother is full of the frustrated and angry feelings his daughter is expressing in a very clear way. Not once does he address what she is expressing, but he goes right to the lecture on how what she is saying is wrong, disrespectful, etc. It’s probably a safe bet that this father rarely tries to understand what his daughter is experiencing or feeling, but talks much more than he listens.
- Instead of taking this matter to his daughter he airs his disappointment, anger and frustration at her in public. The exact same thing he is so angry with her about! Instead of being the adult in this instance he brings himself down to the same level as his child. Also, if you’ll notice, yes, she posted this on Facebook, but because she had blocked them from reading her posts she never expected he would see it. Although, as an impetuous teen she made the mistake of thinking these words would not be read by her parents it doesn’t seem like she meant them to deliberately hurt her father (which is the way he took it), but a way to let off steam. Was she dumb or naive in thinking this was acceptable to do on social media? Yes, definitely.
- Uses ineffective parenting methods. He mentions this a couple of times in the video. She had, apparently, done something before on Facebook or online that he did not approve of and she was “grounded for three months”. Now, I don’t know exactly what she did or how serious it was, but three months of grounding is pretty extreme. First of all, unless the grounding is directly tied to the behavior you’re trying to correct it almost never works. For example, if your child is driving after curfew, you should ground him from using the car for a reasonable period of time, if they are using their cell phone during restricted times (during school, etc.) you should take the phone for a period of time. But, general “grounding” for everything doesn’t work because it teaches nothing and the pain or inconvenience to the child is not directly linked to the behavior.
- Commits two of the most ineffective communication methods with teens you could ever use. Lecturing your child on how what they are feeling is wrong (you shouldn’t be complaining, you don’t have it that hard, etc.) and going into the “when I was a kid I had it harder than you ever have” speech. First, going right into lecture mode dismisses their thoughts and feelings as unimportant. Second, teens will tune this right out because they can’t live in your reality. They are living the life they know, which, by the way, you had a big hand in creating for them. Just skip having these kinds of lectures. Make them say “please” and “thank you” and work for extra things. The gratitude will mostly come later when they are living in the real world, earning a living and raising kids of their own.
- Using drastic measures to feel in control. This displays weakness on the part of the parent and only communicates anger and hostility. And he does it in a most harmful and damaging way - not to the laptop, but to his relationship with his daughter.
This father actually uses a lethal weapon to make a point about how he didn’t like what his daughter said, not even what she did. Bottom line, he didn’t like what she said in a Facebook post so he takes out a gun and destroys her computer. This is where I am almost at a loss for words. First of all, how it was executed is very disturbing. First, he shows the gun to her, up close, in the camera. That, to me, is a thinly veiled threat. Maybe this time it’s the computer, but is it scary enough to think, “My dad might be dangerous?”, I would think so. Not cool. Then he shows her the laptop and starts firing into it (oh, and the “your mother said to fire one for what you said about her” is equally harmful). If, as a parent, you feel the need to take such a drastic measure to make a point then, that just leads me to believe that you have very little influence or power with your child. Either that, or you are just out of control. Scary stuff.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand the frustrations of being a parent, especially the parent of a teen (I’ve raised two - I'm still raising one). I also believe that this daughter has made mistakes of her own. If she is disobedient or disrespectful should there be consequences? Absolutely. Does the parent own anything that is in their home and have the right to do whatever they want with it? Definitely.
What I hope that parents will take away from this discussion is this: using extreme measures to punish or scare your children is harmful to them and to your effectiveness as a parent. An effective parent does not need to use these kinds of tactics. A parent who is in control sets up rules and consequences in advance, applies reasonable consequences as teaching tools, is consistent and is not afraid to listen to their children when they are angry or upset. They can hear them out, empathize with how they are feeling and still teach them right from wrong and be the adult and the leader in the home.
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Esther Ludlow, M.A., Family & Relationship Coach: Posted on Wednesday, February 01, 2012 8:03 PM
Status update: “Joe is SUCH a butt head! Just found out he is STILL IMing his old girlfriend!”
Status update: “Dave is late! Forget him! Anyone want to meet up at the club? I’m ready to PARTY!”
Tweet: "My husband is the laziest guy ever. Can't even take out the trash without being nagged!"
Status update: “GFs out with “the girls”. Whatever. She’s a slut.”
You may have seen these types of Facebook status updates online or, maybe, you’re even guilty of posting a few of them. Now, with the invention of social media we have, yet, another relationship land mine to navigate.
The popularity of Twitter, Facebook and other forms of instant communication make it easy and, perhaps, even tempting to share every thought and emotion you have about a subject the moment you have it and what topic is more emotionally loaded than relationships?
But, sharing information about your relationship with Facebook "friends" and random Twitter followers can be very problematic - especially when it hits a rough patch.
Once something is out on your Facebook wall or in the Twitterverse - it’s out there for good. Even if you delete it after reconsidering calling your partner a “lying bastard” (or worse) you can be sure that many people have already seen it and, perhaps, shared it on their own wall. Like gossip, once the cat is out of the bag it’s out. There’s no way to un-ring that bell. So, if later you wish to take your words back (or you've made up with the lying bastard) what’s done is done. And if your partner has not yet heard about that post you may have a second fight on your hands.
Second, when we react in anger or frustration towards our partner we tend to think that we’re pointing out their shortcomings to a sympathetic audience. What we fail to see, however, is how we are coming across to others. Think back to that person who's written countless posts about how crummy their life is, how much their boss sucks, how broke they are etc., etc. Did you think, “Aw, that poor guy. I wish he could be happier!”, or did you think, “What a whiny loser!”. That kind of negativity gets old fast and reflects poorly on the person sharing it.
Remember that if your complaints are numerous about your partner it may say something about them, but it also says something about your choice of spouse or partner, doesn't it? This point is not lost on your friends - just ask them.
Finally, we fail to take into account how these public feuds affect those closest to us. If you and your partner have children they will most likely see these comments - as will their friends. Kids whose parents have fought online tell me how embarrassing this was for them. They report feeling humiliated because their parent’s problems were put on display for everyone to see.
Parents and siblings may feel the need to comment and take sides. But, once you and your sweetie make up they may be considered an unwelcome interloper by the criticized spouse.
Like anything you share in a public forum - personal information, photos, etc. - make sure to think twice and let some time pass before you decide to share your relationship issues with others. Doing so could cause irreversible damage to your relationship.
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Esther Ludlow, M.A. : Posted on Tuesday, November 15, 2011 6:09 PM
You may have seen the celebrity news article this week in which Kat Von D, celebrity tattooed lady and tattoo artist, admits that her former fiancee, Jesse James, cheated on her with as many as 19 women during their courtship. This may have come as no surprise to you celebrity watchers as Miss Von D was the rebound girlfriend of Mr. James soon after he was dumped by his ex-wife, Sandra Bullock for being a serial cheater.
While your initial reaction may have been, "Duh, Kat, what did you think was going to happen?", in reality, she probably really DID think Jesse would be faithful to her. Many of us in a new relationship are hopeful that this is THE ONE and are so ready to believe in our new love that we tend to ignore red flags - including bad behavior, personality flaws and past history.
It's easy to do this - we just tell ourselves, "THEY didn't work out because his/her ex was the wrong one. I'M the right one so our relationship will be different." Is that possible? Yes. Is it probable (especially if he or she has a history of the problematic behavior)? Not likely.
In fact, not only does Kat Von D say that she believed in Jesse James, but she wanted to show the world how wrong they were about him. "There was a time when I was confident and excited at proving the world
wrong, because I believed so deeply in people's ability to change for
the better," she says. Romantic stuff, but not very realistic given his well-documented history.
So, how to we keep from being a person who hears, "I told you so!", about their ex? First, pay attention to their past history. Do they have a series of problematic relationships that ended badly? Do most of their ex-partners have many negative things to say about the relationship? Have they cheated or acted selfishly repeatedly? If so, and they have not attempted to learn better relationship skills you may find yourself the next unhappy partner on their list - no matter HOW awesome you are.
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Esther Ludlow, M.A.: Posted on Friday, September 23, 2011 11:07 AM
I often get phone calls from parents or spouses who are having serious problems in their home. Most of the time they talk about how long the problem has been going on and, sometimes, it has been an issue for months or, even, years.
They will talk about how much they need to make a change, that they can't keep going on the way things are - the kids are out of control or in trouble, their marriage is holding on by a thread - and, yet, they sometimes still fail to commit to even coming in for a consultation - a free consultation, by the way.
So, what holds them back? They are obviously in pain and looking at escalating problems they they have determined they have no solutions for. There is no obligation to come and talk to me to see if I can help them or, at least, point them to some resources that may be a better solution for them. But, they still hesitate. It's puzzling.
Or, maybe it's not. I've found that one of most difficult things for humans to commit to is change. Even if it is positive change - something that will definitely benefit them. Think about how many times you may have decided to start on an exercise program. You know it will help you improve your health, you know you will feel better after you do it, you may even lose weight and look better! But, you hesitate - because committing to change is hard.
So, I wait. Many times, that person I spoke with who never made an appointment will call me again. Sometimes it is 6 months later, sometimes a year later or more. Now, they REALLY need help - things have gotten much worse and they are desperate.
I wonder how long they would wait if they had a toothache? Would they wait 3 weeks, 3 months, before going to see the dentist? Probably not. What if they had a backache? Would they wait 6 months or a year before going to see a doctor or a chiropractor? Probably not. Why? Because they are in pain and want to end the pain as soon as possible! But, emotional pain can be much worse. And it doesn't only affect one person, but the whole family. And still, they wait.
Research shows that couples in crisis wait an average of seven YEARS before seeking help for a deteriorating marriage. There are no studies about how long families wait before seeking out help, but often, it doesn't happen until after a divorce has taken place, the kids are acting out and are now in serious trouble with the law, failing out of school, or hurting themselves in some way.
If you are feeling stress around parenting, your relationship with your spouse or significant other, or other family issues - don't wait. The sooner you ask for help the sooner you can find REAL solutions to turn your family around. Call today for a free consultaiton. You won't regret it! 408-786-1070
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Esther Ludlow, M.A. : Posted on Wednesday, August 24, 2011 4:33 PM
 The biggest challenge stepfamilies face is "blending" two families together. Different expectations in child-rearing is one area that causes the most conflict in step-couple relationships. The plain truth is kids - whether they are your bio-kids or your step-kids - are going to misbehave sometimes or break a rule. Who should discipline the kids when they step out of line? The bio-parent? Whichever parent happens to be there? Or, both parents together?
House Rules
The first question that should be answered is who sets the rules? The simple answer to that is that both parents (bio-mom and stepdad or bio-dad and stepmom as the case may be) should first discuss and come to an agreement as to the "rules of the house". These should be presented to the kids together in a family meeting early on. (It helps if they are written down and displayed in a common area such as on the kitchen refrigerator.)
So, once a rule is broken or a child's misbehaves, who should be the disciplinarian? Most couple's think that they should both equally be in charge of disciplining the children. This is one of the biggest mistakes in newly formed stepfamilies and will often lead to serious relationship problems in the family.
Rules without Relationship = Disaster
If your child does not yet have a bonded relationship with your new spouse - in other words, knows him or her well and knows that they truly care about them - then the discipline should not yet come from that step-parent. Time needs to be given to grow the relationship before the stepparent can step in and become the disciplinarian for your child. The bio-parent should be the sole disciplinarian at first.
Most stepparents ask, "So, does this mean that I just keep my mouth shut when the child is misbehaving or breaking rules?". Of course not. Rules are put in place for the harmony of the family as well as the safety of the child so they cannot be ignored. If you are a stepparent observing your stepchild misbehaving you firmly remind them of the "rule of the house" that they are breaking and the consequence. "Johnny, you know that you're not allowed to watch tv before homework is done. Your dad's rule is that now the tv has to be turned off for the rest of the night." Johnny will either comply with the rule, ending the situation or not and then stepmom can just say, "Well I guess you will have to discuss your breaking of the rule with dad when he gets home."
Teaching Tool or Punishment?
The goal of discipline should be to teach a child to live within the rules of the house in the same way they will be expected to live within the rules of society. Discipline should be seen as a teaching tool, not just a punishment. When we think of it as a punishment, "That kid MUST be punished!" then we end up in a never-ending power struggle not only with our step-kids, but our spouse as well.
If you feel you cannot implement these strategies in your home because you or your spouse are already in this power struggle stepfamily coaching can help. Call me today at 408-786-1070 for a free consultation.
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Esther Ludlow : Posted on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 7:57 PM
NEW IMMUNIZATION REQUIREMENT
If you live in California and you have a student who will be entering 7th - 12th grade in the fall they MUST receive an adolescent whooping cough booster shot before the start of the school year. This is a new requirement so you will want to check if your child has received it and make an appointment with your health care provider to have it administered if they have not.
 SUMMER READING ASSIGNMENTS
Also, did you know that many high schools now assign summer reading projects to students? Your student should have received this information from their English teacher (or parents of incoming freshmen may have received the information by mail or email) at the end of the last school year. I always remind the parents of my homework coaching clients about this assignment. It is easily overlooked (or ignored!) by many students due to busy summer schedules.
Some schools only require the summer reading project for students who are taking Honors or AP English courses, while some schools require ALL students to complete a summer reading assignment. For example, both Leland High School in San Jose and Los Gatos High School require all their students to complete at least one novel this summer. Students will be tested on the material when school begins in the fall.
How do you find out if your child has a summer reading assignment? First stop should be the school website. It's often featured on the home page, if not, check the English Department page. Or you can call the school. Many school offices begin to open again in early August if not sooner.
If your child does NOT have a required summer reading assignment I highly recommend that parents require their children to read during the summer. Studies show that reading and writing skills decline over the summer because children neglect to read at all, preferring television, video games and other activities.
BEST BOOKS?
It's important for your child to read books that are geared for their age, reading proficiency and interest. One of the best ways to find books your child will be interested in and will challenge them without being too far above their reading level is to talk to your local librarian. The children's section of your library will have lists of recommended books as well. The San Jose Public Library has a Summer Reading Program every year where your child can earn prizes for reading books over the summer. Finally, if you have a local, independent bookstore in your area, your bookseller can be a wealth of information. In San Jose, Hicklebee's Books focuses mostly on books for children, tweens and teens and have children's authors come and speak as well as activities for kids.
Wishing you all a great summer, a healthy fall and good reading!
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Esther Ludlow, M.A., Family & Relationship Coach: Posted on Friday, July 15, 2011 10:18 AM
Marriage therapy, couples counseling, and marriage retreats have been popular in the U.S. since the 1970s to help strengthen and save marriages. Even so, the U.S. divorce rate is still high. Studies show anywhere from 40 to 60 percent of marriages currently end in divorce. Almost all divorcing couples with children say that their main priority is to minimize the impact on the children as much as possible. But, is that really possible? Most adult children of divorce remember the divorce in a very negative light and often tell of feeling stressed, angry, depressed and lonely during and after a divorce. While you may not be able to completely shelter your child from the pain of divorce there are some things you should be aware of to help children cope.
Give Them Time to Grieve Parents sometimes forget that they've had a lot more time to grieve a dying marriage and prepare for the inevitable breakup than their child has. Usually, parents try to shield their child from the fights and growing distance between mom and dad only revealing the final outcome - mommy and daddy are divorcing - in one big announcement. While you and your spouse may have had years to process this conclusion a child's grieving process only starts when mom or dad moves out of the house and they see their day-to-day existence change. Be prepared for you child to go through the grieving process for months or longer.
Allow Children to Express Emotions Don't try to "cheer them up" immediately if they are feeling sad. Parents often feel guilty if their child expresses sadness so they will try to talk them out of these feelings or try to distract them with something fun or buying them a present. Sadness is part of the grieving process and children need to be allowed to express these emotions freely.
They may also be angry. While this is not pleasant for a parent to hear it is necessary for your child to express his or her anger. Of course, you want to help them to express this anger appropriately. Physical or verbal attacks should not be allowed, but parents can and should help them to verbalize their feelings.
Don't Introduce Your Children to New Partners Too Soon While you may be ready for a new romantic partner your child, likely, will not. Keep "dates" a separate part of your life for now while your child is still trying to get used to the new arrangements (living with mom or dad exclusively, moving between two homes due to shared custody, etc.). While they may like the attention a new person brings, should your relationship not work out, your child will suffer another loss that will compound their feelings of grief over the divorce.
Most of all let your child process the changes that the divorce brings as slowly as possible. Minimize bringing the tension between you and your ex to the attention of your child. Never make them pick sides or "bad-mouth" their parent to them. By paying close attention to your child and his or her needs and feelings after a divorce you will help them to cope better in the long run.
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Esther Ludlow : Posted on Thursday, July 14, 2011 2:15 PM
 I'm so excited to welcome you to my new blog, "Family 411"! I will be posting news, information, advice and topics that REAL families care about. I hope that you will interact with me by posting comments, feedback and suggestions on family and parenting topics that matter to you.
Some of the topics that we will be featured this summer include summer family travel, kids and social media, getting ready for the next school year and much more.
I hope you will visit Family 411 often and share it with your friends.
Wishing you all a wonderful summer!
Esther |
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