 Marriage therapy, couples counseling, and marriage retreats have been popular in the U.S. since the 1970s to help strengthen and save marriages. Even so, the U.S. divorce rate is still high. Studies show anywhere from 40 to 60 percent of marriages currently end in divorce. Almost all divorcing couples with children say that their main priority is to minimize the impact on the children as much as possible. But, is that really possible? Most adult children of divorce remember the divorce in a very negative light and often tell of feeling stressed, angry, depressed and lonely during and after a divorce. While you may not be able to completely shelter your child from the pain of divorce there are some things you should be aware of to help children cope. Give Them Time to Grieve Parents sometimes forget that they've had a lot more time to grieve a dying marriage and prepare for the inevitable breakup than their child has. Usually, parents try to shield their child from the fights and growing distance between mom and dad only revealing the final outcome - mommy and daddy are divorcing - in one big announcement. While you and your spouse may have had years to process this conclusion a child's grieving process only starts when mom or dad moves out of the house and they see their day-to-day existence change. Be prepared for you child to go through the grieving process for months or longer. Allow Children to Express Emotions Don't try to "cheer them up" immediately if they are feeling sad. Parents often feel guilty if their child expresses sadness so they will try to talk them out of these feelings or try to distract them with something fun or buying them a present. Sadness is part of the grieving process and children need to be allowed to express these emotions freely. They may also be angry. While this is not pleasant for a parent to hear it is necessary for your child to express his or her anger. Of course, you want to help them to express this anger appropriately. Physical or verbal attacks should not be allowed, but parents can and should help them to verbalize their feelings. Don't Introduce Your Children to New Partners Too Soon While you may be ready for a new romantic partner your child, likely, will not. Keep "dates" a separate part of your life for now while your child is still trying to get used to the new arrangements (living with mom or dad exclusively, moving between two homes due to shared custody, etc.). While they may like the attention a new person brings, should your relationship not work out, your child will suffer another loss that will compound their feelings of grief over the divorce. Most of all let your child process the changes that the divorce brings as slowly as possible. Minimize bringing the tension between you and your ex to the attention of your child. Never make them pick sides or "bad-mouth" their parent to them. By paying close attention to your child and his or her needs and feelings after a divorce you will help them to cope better in the long run. |
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