 The biggest challenge stepfamilies face is "blending" two families together. Different expectations in child-rearing is one area that causes the most conflict in step-couple relationships. The plain truth is kids - whether they are your bio-kids or your step-kids - are going to misbehave sometimes or break a rule. Who should discipline the kids when they step out of line? The bio-parent? Whichever parent happens to be there? Or, both parents together? House Rules The first question that should be answered is who sets the rules? The simple answer to that is that both parents (bio-mom and stepdad or bio-dad and stepmom as the case may be) should first discuss and come to an agreement as to the "rules of the house". These should be presented to the kids together in a family meeting early on. (It helps if they are written down and displayed in a common area such as on the kitchen refrigerator.) So, once a rule is broken or a child's misbehaves, who should be the disciplinarian? Most couple's think that they should both equally be in charge of disciplining the children. This is one of the biggest mistakes in newly formed stepfamilies and will often lead to serious relationship problems in the family. Rules without Relationship = Disaster If your child does not yet have a bonded relationship with your new spouse - in other words, knows him or her well and knows that they truly care about them - then the discipline should not yet come from that step-parent. Time needs to be given to grow the relationship before the stepparent can step in and become the disciplinarian for your child. The bio-parent should be the sole disciplinarian at first. Most stepparents ask, "So, does this mean that I just keep my mouth shut when the child is misbehaving or breaking rules?". Of course not. Rules are put in place for the harmony of the family as well as the safety of the child so they cannot be ignored. If you are a stepparent observing your stepchild misbehaving you firmly remind them of the "rule of the house" that they are breaking and the consequence. "Johnny, you know that you're not allowed to watch tv before homework is done. Your dad's rule is that now the tv has to be turned off for the rest of the night." Johnny will either comply with the rule, ending the situation or not and then stepmom can just say, "Well I guess you will have to discuss your breaking of the rule with dad when he gets home." Teaching Tool or Punishment? The goal of discipline should be to teach a child to live within the rules of the house in the same way they will be expected to live within the rules of society. Discipline should be seen as a teaching tool, not just a punishment. When we think of it as a punishment, "That kid MUST be punished!" then we end up in a never-ending power struggle not only with our step-kids, but our spouse as well. If you feel you cannot implement these strategies in your home because you or your spouse are already in this power struggle stepfamily coaching can help. Call me today at 408-786-1070 for a free consultation. |
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