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Esther A. Ludlow, M.A. : Posted on Monday, February 13, 2012 2:15 PM
You may have seen the video on Facebook or on You Tube of the dad who is so angry with his daughter’s Facebook post that he destroys her laptop on camera. (You can watch it here:
Many parents are applauding him. They say that he is in the right, he is showing his daughter who is boss, is not taking her disrespect in stride, etc. I, however, find this father to be completely missing the point and his actions to be not only over the top, but disturbing and very damaging to his relationship with his daughter and displaying ineffective parenting.
How many mistakes did this dad make? Plenty. Let’s start with:
- Doesn’t respond at all to what his daughter is communicating, but lectures instead. The post he reads to the camera (second mistake - see below) that his daughter wrote to him and her mother is full of the frustrated and angry feelings his daughter is expressing in a very clear way. Not once does he address what she is expressing, but he goes right to the lecture on how what she is saying is wrong, disrespectful, etc. It’s probably a safe bet that this father rarely tries to understand what his daughter is experiencing or feeling, but talks much more than he listens.
- Instead of taking this matter to his daughter he airs his disappointment, anger and frustration at her in public. The exact same thing he is so angry with her about! Instead of being the adult in this instance he brings himself down to the same level as his child. Also, if you’ll notice, yes, she posted this on Facebook, but because she had blocked them from reading her posts she never expected he would see it. Although, as an impetuous teen she made the mistake of thinking these words would not be read by her parents it doesn’t seem like she meant them to deliberately hurt her father (which is the way he took it), but a way to let off steam. Was she dumb or naive in thinking this was acceptable to do on social media? Yes, definitely.
- Uses ineffective parenting methods. He mentions this a couple of times in the video. She had, apparently, done something before on Facebook or online that he did not approve of and she was “grounded for three months”. Now, I don’t know exactly what she did or how serious it was, but three months of grounding is pretty extreme. First of all, unless the grounding is directly tied to the behavior you’re trying to correct it almost never works. For example, if your child is driving after curfew, you should ground him from using the car for a reasonable period of time, if they are using their cell phone during restricted times (during school, etc.) you should take the phone for a period of time. But, general “grounding” for everything doesn’t work because it teaches nothing and the pain or inconvenience to the child is not directly linked to the behavior.
- Commits two of the most ineffective communication methods with teens you could ever use. Lecturing your child on how what they are feeling is wrong (you shouldn’t be complaining, you don’t have it that hard, etc.) and going into the “when I was a kid I had it harder than you ever have” speech. First, going right into lecture mode dismisses their thoughts and feelings as unimportant. Second, teens will tune this right out because they can’t live in your reality. They are living the life they know, which, by the way, you had a big hand in creating for them. Just skip having these kinds of lectures. Make them say “please” and “thank you” and work for extra things. The gratitude will mostly come later when they are living in the real world, earning a living and raising kids of their own.
- Using drastic measures to feel in control. This displays weakness on the part of the parent and only communicates anger and hostility. And he does it in a most harmful and damaging way - not to the laptop, but to his relationship with his daughter.
This father actually uses a lethal weapon to make a point about how he didn’t like what his daughter said, not even what she did. Bottom line, he didn’t like what she said in a Facebook post so he takes out a gun and destroys her computer. This is where I am almost at a loss for words. First of all, how it was executed is very disturbing. First, he shows the gun to her, up close, in the camera. That, to me, is a thinly veiled threat. Maybe this time it’s the computer, but is it scary enough to think, “My dad might be dangerous?”, I would think so. Not cool. Then he shows her the laptop and starts firing into it (oh, and the “your mother said to fire one for what you said about her” is equally harmful). If, as a parent, you feel the need to take such a drastic measure to make a point then, that just leads me to believe that you have very little influence or power with your child. Either that, or you are just out of control. Scary stuff.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand the frustrations of being a parent, especially the parent of a teen (I’ve raised two - I'm still raising one). I also believe that this daughter has made mistakes of her own. If she is disobedient or disrespectful should there be consequences? Absolutely. Does the parent own anything that is in their home and have the right to do whatever they want with it? Definitely.
What I hope that parents will take away from this discussion is this: using extreme measures to punish or scare your children is harmful to them and to your effectiveness as a parent. An effective parent does not need to use these kinds of tactics. A parent who is in control sets up rules and consequences in advance, applies reasonable consequences as teaching tools, is consistent and is not afraid to listen to their children when they are angry or upset. They can hear them out, empathize with how they are feeling and still teach them right from wrong and be the adult and the leader in the home.
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Esther Ludlow, M.A., Family & Relationship Coach: Posted on Wednesday, February 01, 2012 9:03 PM
Status update: “Joe is SUCH a butt head! Just found out he is STILL IMing his old girlfriend!”
Status update: “Dave is late! Forget him! Anyone want to meet up at the club? I’m ready to PARTY!”
Tweet: "My husband is the laziest guy ever. Can't even take out the trash without being nagged!"
Status update: “GFs out with “the girls”. Whatever. She’s a slut.”
You may have seen these types of Facebook status updates online or, maybe, you’re even guilty of posting a few of them. Now, with the invention of social media we have, yet, another relationship land mine to navigate.
The popularity of Twitter, Facebook and other forms of instant communication make it easy and, perhaps, even tempting to share every thought and emotion you have about a subject the moment you have it and what topic is more emotionally loaded than relationships?
But, sharing information about your relationship with Facebook "friends" and random Twitter followers can be very problematic - especially when it hits a rough patch.
Once something is out on your Facebook wall or in the Twitterverse - it’s out there for good. Even if you delete it after reconsidering calling your partner a “lying bastard” (or worse) you can be sure that many people have already seen it and, perhaps, shared it on their own wall. Like gossip, once the cat is out of the bag it’s out. There’s no way to un-ring that bell. So, if later you wish to take your words back (or you've made up with the lying bastard) what’s done is done. And if your partner has not yet heard about that post you may have a second fight on your hands.
Second, when we react in anger or frustration towards our partner we tend to think that we’re pointing out their shortcomings to a sympathetic audience. What we fail to see, however, is how we are coming across to others. Think back to that person who's written countless posts about how crummy their life is, how much their boss sucks, how broke they are etc., etc. Did you think, “Aw, that poor guy. I wish he could be happier!”, or did you think, “What a whiny loser!”. That kind of negativity gets old fast and reflects poorly on the person sharing it.
Remember that if your complaints are numerous about your partner it may say something about them, but it also says something about your choice of spouse or partner, doesn't it? This point is not lost on your friends - just ask them.
Finally, we fail to take into account how these public feuds affect those closest to us. If you and your partner have children they will most likely see these comments - as will their friends. Kids whose parents have fought online tell me how embarrassing this was for them. They report feeling humiliated because their parent’s problems were put on display for everyone to see.
Parents and siblings may feel the need to comment and take sides. But, once you and your sweetie make up they may be considered an unwelcome interloper by the criticized spouse.
Like anything you share in a public forum - personal information, photos, etc. - make sure to think twice and let some time pass before you decide to share your relationship issues with others. Doing so could cause irreversible damage to your relationship.
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