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Esther Ludlow, M.A. : Posted on Wednesday, August 24, 2011 5:33 PM
 The biggest challenge stepfamilies face is "blending" two families together. Different expectations in child-rearing is one area that causes the most conflict in step-couple relationships. The plain truth is kids - whether they are your bio-kids or your step-kids - are going to misbehave sometimes or break a rule. Who should discipline the kids when they step out of line? The bio-parent? Whichever parent happens to be there? Or, both parents together?
House Rules
The first question that should be answered is who sets the rules? The simple answer to that is that both parents (bio-mom and stepdad or bio-dad and stepmom as the case may be) should first discuss and come to an agreement as to the "rules of the house". These should be presented to the kids together in a family meeting early on. (It helps if they are written down and displayed in a common area such as on the kitchen refrigerator.)
So, once a rule is broken or a child's misbehaves, who should be the disciplinarian? Most couple's think that they should both equally be in charge of disciplining the children. This is one of the biggest mistakes in newly formed stepfamilies and will often lead to serious relationship problems in the family.
Rules without Relationship = Disaster
If your child does not yet have a bonded relationship with your new spouse - in other words, knows him or her well and knows that they truly care about them - then the discipline should not yet come from that step-parent. Time needs to be given to grow the relationship before the stepparent can step in and become the disciplinarian for your child. The bio-parent should be the sole disciplinarian at first.
Most stepparents ask, "So, does this mean that I just keep my mouth shut when the child is misbehaving or breaking rules?". Of course not. Rules are put in place for the harmony of the family as well as the safety of the child so they cannot be ignored. If you are a stepparent observing your stepchild misbehaving you firmly remind them of the "rule of the house" that they are breaking and the consequence. "Johnny, you know that you're not allowed to watch tv before homework is done. Your dad's rule is that now the tv has to be turned off for the rest of the night." Johnny will either comply with the rule, ending the situation or not and then stepmom can just say, "Well I guess you will have to discuss your breaking of the rule with dad when he gets home."
Teaching Tool or Punishment?
The goal of discipline should be to teach a child to live within the rules of the house in the same way they will be expected to live within the rules of society. Discipline should be seen as a teaching tool, not just a punishment. When we think of it as a punishment, "That kid MUST be punished!" then we end up in a never-ending power struggle not only with our step-kids, but our spouse as well.
If you feel you cannot implement these strategies in your home because you or your spouse are already in this power struggle stepfamily coaching can help. Call me today at 408-786-1070 for a free consultation.
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Esther Ludlow : Posted on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 8:57 PM
NEW IMMUNIZATION REQUIREMENT
If you live in California and you have a student who will be entering 7th - 12th grade in the fall they MUST receive an adolescent whooping cough booster shot before the start of the school year. This is a new requirement so you will want to check if your child has received it and make an appointment with your health care provider to have it administered if they have not.
 SUMMER READING ASSIGNMENTS
Also, did you know that many high schools now assign summer reading projects to students? Your student should have received this information from their English teacher (or parents of incoming freshmen may have received the information by mail or email) at the end of the last school year. I always remind the parents of my homework coaching clients about this assignment. It is easily overlooked (or ignored!) by many students due to busy summer schedules.
Some schools only require the summer reading project for students who are taking Honors or AP English courses, while some schools require ALL students to complete a summer reading assignment. For example, both Leland High School in San Jose and Los Gatos High School require all their students to complete at least one novel this summer. Students will be tested on the material when school begins in the fall.
How do you find out if your child has a summer reading assignment? First stop should be the school website. It's often featured on the home page, if not, check the English Department page. Or you can call the school. Many school offices begin to open again in early August if not sooner.
If your child does NOT have a required summer reading assignment I highly recommend that parents require their children to read during the summer. Studies show that reading and writing skills decline over the summer because children neglect to read at all, preferring television, video games and other activities.
BEST BOOKS?
It's important for your child to read books that are geared for their age, reading proficiency and interest. One of the best ways to find books your child will be interested in and will challenge them without being too far above their reading level is to talk to your local librarian. The children's section of your library will have lists of recommended books as well. The San Jose Public Library has a Summer Reading Program every year where your child can earn prizes for reading books over the summer. Finally, if you have a local, independent bookstore in your area, your bookseller can be a wealth of information. In San Jose, Hicklebee's Books focuses mostly on books for children, tweens and teens and have children's authors come and speak as well as activities for kids.
Wishing you all a great summer, a healthy fall and good reading!
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Esther Ludlow, M.A., Family & Relationship Coach: Posted on Friday, July 15, 2011 11:18 AM
Marriage therapy, couples counseling, and marriage retreats have been popular in the U.S. since the 1970s to help strengthen and save marriages. Even so, the U.S. divorce rate is still high. Studies show anywhere from 40 to 60 percent of marriages currently end in divorce. Almost all divorcing couples with children say that their main priority is to minimize the impact on the children as much as possible. But, is that really possible? Most adult children of divorce remember the divorce in a very negative light and often tell of feeling stressed, angry, depressed and lonely during and after a divorce. While you may not be able to completely shelter your child from the pain of divorce there are some things you should be aware of to help children cope.
Give Them Time to Grieve Parents sometimes forget that they've had a lot more time to grieve a dying marriage and prepare for the inevitable breakup than their child has. Usually, parents try to shield their child from the fights and growing distance between mom and dad only revealing the final outcome - mommy and daddy are divorcing - in one big announcement. While you and your spouse may have had years to process this conclusion a child's grieving process only starts when mom or dad moves out of the house and they see their day-to-day existence change. Be prepared for you child to go through the grieving process for months or longer.
Allow Children to Express Emotions Don't try to "cheer them up" immediately if they are feeling sad. Parents often feel guilty if their child expresses sadness so they will try to talk them out of these feelings or try to distract them with something fun or buying them a present. Sadness is part of the grieving process and children need to be allowed to express these emotions freely.
They may also be angry. While this is not pleasant for a parent to hear it is necessary for your child to express his or her anger. Of course, you want to help them to express this anger appropriately. Physical or verbal attacks should not be allowed, but parents can and should help them to verbalize their feelings.
Don't Introduce Your Children to New Partners Too Soon While you may be ready for a new romantic partner your child, likely, will not. Keep "dates" a separate part of your life for now while your child is still trying to get used to the new arrangements (living with mom or dad exclusively, moving between two homes due to shared custody, etc.). While they may like the attention a new person brings, should your relationship not work out, your child will suffer another loss that will compound their feelings of grief over the divorce.
Most of all let your child process the changes that the divorce brings as slowly as possible. Minimize bringing the tension between you and your ex to the attention of your child. Never make them pick sides or "bad-mouth" their parent to them. By paying close attention to your child and his or her needs and feelings after a divorce you will help them to cope better in the long run.
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