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Esther Ludlow, M.A.: Posted on Friday, September 23, 2011 12:07 PM
I often get phone calls from parents or spouses who are having serious problems in their home. Most of the time they talk about how long the problem has been going on and, sometimes, it has been an issue for months or, even, years.
They will talk about how much they need to make a change, that they can't keep going on the way things are - the kids are out of control or in trouble, their marriage is holding on by a thread - and, yet, they sometimes still fail to commit to even coming in for a consultation - a free consultation, by the way.
So, what holds them back? They are obviously in pain and looking at escalating problems they they have determined they have no solutions for. There is no obligation to come and talk to me to see if I can help them or, at least, point them to some resources that may be a better solution for them. But, they still hesitate. It's puzzling.
Or, maybe it's not. I've found that one of most difficult things for humans to commit to is change. Even if it is positive change - something that will definitely benefit them. Think about how many times you may have decided to start on an exercise program. You know it will help you improve your health, you know you will feel better after you do it, you may even lose weight and look better! But, you hesitate - because committing to change is hard.
So, I wait. Many times, that person I spoke with who never made an appointment will call me again. Sometimes it is 6 months later, sometimes a year later or more. Now, they REALLY need help - things have gotten much worse and they are desperate.
I wonder how long they would wait if they had a toothache? Would they wait 3 weeks, 3 months, before going to see the dentist? Probably not. What if they had a backache? Would they wait 6 months or a year before going to see a doctor or a chiropractor? Probably not. Why? Because they are in pain and want to end the pain as soon as possible! But, emotional pain can be much worse. And it doesn't only affect one person, but the whole family. And still, they wait.
Research shows that couples in crisis wait an average of seven YEARS before seeking help for a deteriorating marriage. There are no studies about how long families wait before seeking out help, but often, it doesn't happen until after a divorce has taken place, the kids are acting out and are now in serious trouble with the law, failing out of school, or hurting themselves in some way.
If you are feeling stress around parenting, your relationship with your spouse or significant other, or other family issues - don't wait. The sooner you ask for help the sooner you can find REAL solutions to turn your family around. Call today for a free consultaiton. You won't regret it! 408-786-1070
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Esther Ludlow, M.A., Family & Relationship Coach: Posted on Friday, July 15, 2011 11:18 AM
Marriage therapy, couples counseling, and marriage retreats have been popular in the U.S. since the 1970s to help strengthen and save marriages. Even so, the U.S. divorce rate is still high. Studies show anywhere from 40 to 60 percent of marriages currently end in divorce. Almost all divorcing couples with children say that their main priority is to minimize the impact on the children as much as possible. But, is that really possible? Most adult children of divorce remember the divorce in a very negative light and often tell of feeling stressed, angry, depressed and lonely during and after a divorce. While you may not be able to completely shelter your child from the pain of divorce there are some things you should be aware of to help children cope.
Give Them Time to Grieve Parents sometimes forget that they've had a lot more time to grieve a dying marriage and prepare for the inevitable breakup than their child has. Usually, parents try to shield their child from the fights and growing distance between mom and dad only revealing the final outcome - mommy and daddy are divorcing - in one big announcement. While you and your spouse may have had years to process this conclusion a child's grieving process only starts when mom or dad moves out of the house and they see their day-to-day existence change. Be prepared for you child to go through the grieving process for months or longer.
Allow Children to Express Emotions Don't try to "cheer them up" immediately if they are feeling sad. Parents often feel guilty if their child expresses sadness so they will try to talk them out of these feelings or try to distract them with something fun or buying them a present. Sadness is part of the grieving process and children need to be allowed to express these emotions freely.
They may also be angry. While this is not pleasant for a parent to hear it is necessary for your child to express his or her anger. Of course, you want to help them to express this anger appropriately. Physical or verbal attacks should not be allowed, but parents can and should help them to verbalize their feelings.
Don't Introduce Your Children to New Partners Too Soon While you may be ready for a new romantic partner your child, likely, will not. Keep "dates" a separate part of your life for now while your child is still trying to get used to the new arrangements (living with mom or dad exclusively, moving between two homes due to shared custody, etc.). While they may like the attention a new person brings, should your relationship not work out, your child will suffer another loss that will compound their feelings of grief over the divorce.
Most of all let your child process the changes that the divorce brings as slowly as possible. Minimize bringing the tension between you and your ex to the attention of your child. Never make them pick sides or "bad-mouth" their parent to them. By paying close attention to your child and his or her needs and feelings after a divorce you will help them to cope better in the long run.
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