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Family 411
parenting
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Esther Ludlow, M.A.: Posted on Wednesday, March 14, 2012 6:39 PM
A mom of two teenagers once came in to see me complaining that her teens, a boy and a girl, were guilty of being messy, unorganized and irresponsible.
“They have chores, but that’s a joke. That never happens unless I yell or nag and then it’s only halfway done. Their homework assignments are never done on time or not at all. Both of them are lucky to pull in C’s in most of their classes. Again, I have to yell and nag to get them to complete and turn in their assignments. Their rooms are worse than a mess. I’m really at my wits end!”
I sympathized with this mom. I’ve been there. Pulling your hair our trying to keep on top of everyone’s responsibilities is no fun and it’s exhausting. As a parent you feel that your teenagers should be taking some responsibility for their own homework, chores and schedules, but when you leave it to them things seem to crash and burn.
But, I was also registering the fact as I sat across from this frazzled mom that this was a woman who had called me three different times to reschedule her appointment, arrived 15 minutes late and had lost the paperwork I had emailed to her to bring to my office.
So, I asked her, “Tell me about your day. You seem pretty stressed and you look tired. Is this a typical day for you?”. She went on for about ten minutes to unload about how stressed she was. She had a husband who worked long hours, a grade schooler as well as the two teens, worked part-time from home and constantly felt like she was “chasing her tail”. “I can’t seem to get anything done even when I make a list or try to plan ahead. Every day just feels like I’m just surviving. Like I can never get caught up with everything I have to do.”
It’s a reality that our lives are more busy today than ever before. Work, family, housework, shopping, and being involved in our kids’ school and extracurricular activities all add up to fill up our calendars to bursting. So, it’s more important than ever before to make sure you are not overbooked with unnecessary responsibilities and that you have created a system to be as organized as possible.
This mom was complaining of her kids being unorganized, but her own life was unorganized and chaotic. You can’t teach what you don’t know and you role model what you do. What she was role modeling for her kids was a “fly by the seat of your pants” style of living. It didn’t work for her and it certainly wasn’t working for the kids (and adding to her stress).
To begin to get out from under the chaos of a too busy, too stressful lifestyle you must do two things:
- Sit down with your calendar and write everything down. Work schedule, appointments, volunteer time, etc. You might want to color code each type of event in order to have a better visual of how balanced (or unbalanced) your schedule is. Then look at the completed calendar and decide if you are overbooked, unbalanced in one area or more(too much time volunteering - no “down” time). Then make decisions in what areas to prioritize and where you might be able to scale back. (If you don’t usually keep a written calendar this will also help you to start planning ahead and not running off late to appointments or forgetting things.)
- Create some simple strategies to get organized. Create file folders for bills to pay, a bulletin board to keep notes and reminders where you and/or the family can see them, a “to do” list that gets checked off each day, a box or bin near the door that each family member can put backpacks, completed homework assignment, permission slips, paperwork, etc., that they need to take with them the next day. Your kids should have a homework agenda and use it daily. They should also keep their appointments written on the master family calendar.
Role modeling time management and organizational skills for your kids is your most effective tool in creating responsible teens and young adults. If you need help to get started check out some “getting organized” books or websites or work with a coach for a specific plan that will be easy to implement and follow.
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Esther A. Ludlow, M.A. : Posted on Monday, February 13, 2012 2:15 PM
You may have seen the video on Facebook or on You Tube of the dad who is so angry with his daughter’s Facebook post that he destroys her laptop on camera. (You can watch it here:
Many parents are applauding him. They say that he is in the right, he is showing his daughter who is boss, is not taking her disrespect in stride, etc. I, however, find this father to be completely missing the point and his actions to be not only over the top, but disturbing and very damaging to his relationship with his daughter and displaying ineffective parenting.
How many mistakes did this dad make? Plenty. Let’s start with:
- Doesn’t respond at all to what his daughter is communicating, but lectures instead. The post he reads to the camera (second mistake - see below) that his daughter wrote to him and her mother is full of the frustrated and angry feelings his daughter is expressing in a very clear way. Not once does he address what she is expressing, but he goes right to the lecture on how what she is saying is wrong, disrespectful, etc. It’s probably a safe bet that this father rarely tries to understand what his daughter is experiencing or feeling, but talks much more than he listens.
- Instead of taking this matter to his daughter he airs his disappointment, anger and frustration at her in public. The exact same thing he is so angry with her about! Instead of being the adult in this instance he brings himself down to the same level as his child. Also, if you’ll notice, yes, she posted this on Facebook, but because she had blocked them from reading her posts she never expected he would see it. Although, as an impetuous teen she made the mistake of thinking these words would not be read by her parents it doesn’t seem like she meant them to deliberately hurt her father (which is the way he took it), but a way to let off steam. Was she dumb or naive in thinking this was acceptable to do on social media? Yes, definitely.
- Uses ineffective parenting methods. He mentions this a couple of times in the video. She had, apparently, done something before on Facebook or online that he did not approve of and she was “grounded for three months”. Now, I don’t know exactly what she did or how serious it was, but three months of grounding is pretty extreme. First of all, unless the grounding is directly tied to the behavior you’re trying to correct it almost never works. For example, if your child is driving after curfew, you should ground him from using the car for a reasonable period of time, if they are using their cell phone during restricted times (during school, etc.) you should take the phone for a period of time. But, general “grounding” for everything doesn’t work because it teaches nothing and the pain or inconvenience to the child is not directly linked to the behavior.
- Commits two of the most ineffective communication methods with teens you could ever use. Lecturing your child on how what they are feeling is wrong (you shouldn’t be complaining, you don’t have it that hard, etc.) and going into the “when I was a kid I had it harder than you ever have” speech. First, going right into lecture mode dismisses their thoughts and feelings as unimportant. Second, teens will tune this right out because they can’t live in your reality. They are living the life they know, which, by the way, you had a big hand in creating for them. Just skip having these kinds of lectures. Make them say “please” and “thank you” and work for extra things. The gratitude will mostly come later when they are living in the real world, earning a living and raising kids of their own.
- Using drastic measures to feel in control. This displays weakness on the part of the parent and only communicates anger and hostility. And he does it in a most harmful and damaging way - not to the laptop, but to his relationship with his daughter.
This father actually uses a lethal weapon to make a point about how he didn’t like what his daughter said, not even what she did. Bottom line, he didn’t like what she said in a Facebook post so he takes out a gun and destroys her computer. This is where I am almost at a loss for words. First of all, how it was executed is very disturbing. First, he shows the gun to her, up close, in the camera. That, to me, is a thinly veiled threat. Maybe this time it’s the computer, but is it scary enough to think, “My dad might be dangerous?”, I would think so. Not cool. Then he shows her the laptop and starts firing into it (oh, and the “your mother said to fire one for what you said about her” is equally harmful). If, as a parent, you feel the need to take such a drastic measure to make a point then, that just leads me to believe that you have very little influence or power with your child. Either that, or you are just out of control. Scary stuff.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand the frustrations of being a parent, especially the parent of a teen (I’ve raised two - I'm still raising one). I also believe that this daughter has made mistakes of her own. If she is disobedient or disrespectful should there be consequences? Absolutely. Does the parent own anything that is in their home and have the right to do whatever they want with it? Definitely.
What I hope that parents will take away from this discussion is this: using extreme measures to punish or scare your children is harmful to them and to your effectiveness as a parent. An effective parent does not need to use these kinds of tactics. A parent who is in control sets up rules and consequences in advance, applies reasonable consequences as teaching tools, is consistent and is not afraid to listen to their children when they are angry or upset. They can hear them out, empathize with how they are feeling and still teach them right from wrong and be the adult and the leader in the home.
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Esther Ludlow, M.A.: Posted on Friday, September 23, 2011 12:07 PM
I often get phone calls from parents or spouses who are having serious problems in their home. Most of the time they talk about how long the problem has been going on and, sometimes, it has been an issue for months or, even, years.
They will talk about how much they need to make a change, that they can't keep going on the way things are - the kids are out of control or in trouble, their marriage is holding on by a thread - and, yet, they sometimes still fail to commit to even coming in for a consultation - a free consultation, by the way.
So, what holds them back? They are obviously in pain and looking at escalating problems they they have determined they have no solutions for. There is no obligation to come and talk to me to see if I can help them or, at least, point them to some resources that may be a better solution for them. But, they still hesitate. It's puzzling.
Or, maybe it's not. I've found that one of most difficult things for humans to commit to is change. Even if it is positive change - something that will definitely benefit them. Think about how many times you may have decided to start on an exercise program. You know it will help you improve your health, you know you will feel better after you do it, you may even lose weight and look better! But, you hesitate - because committing to change is hard.
So, I wait. Many times, that person I spoke with who never made an appointment will call me again. Sometimes it is 6 months later, sometimes a year later or more. Now, they REALLY need help - things have gotten much worse and they are desperate.
I wonder how long they would wait if they had a toothache? Would they wait 3 weeks, 3 months, before going to see the dentist? Probably not. What if they had a backache? Would they wait 6 months or a year before going to see a doctor or a chiropractor? Probably not. Why? Because they are in pain and want to end the pain as soon as possible! But, emotional pain can be much worse. And it doesn't only affect one person, but the whole family. And still, they wait.
Research shows that couples in crisis wait an average of seven YEARS before seeking help for a deteriorating marriage. There are no studies about how long families wait before seeking out help, but often, it doesn't happen until after a divorce has taken place, the kids are acting out and are now in serious trouble with the law, failing out of school, or hurting themselves in some way.
If you are feeling stress around parenting, your relationship with your spouse or significant other, or other family issues - don't wait. The sooner you ask for help the sooner you can find REAL solutions to turn your family around. Call today for a free consultaiton. You won't regret it! 408-786-1070
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Esther Ludlow, M.A. : Posted on Wednesday, August 24, 2011 5:33 PM
 The biggest challenge stepfamilies face is "blending" two families together. Different expectations in child-rearing is one area that causes the most conflict in step-couple relationships. The plain truth is kids - whether they are your bio-kids or your step-kids - are going to misbehave sometimes or break a rule. Who should discipline the kids when they step out of line? The bio-parent? Whichever parent happens to be there? Or, both parents together?
House Rules
The first question that should be answered is who sets the rules? The simple answer to that is that both parents (bio-mom and stepdad or bio-dad and stepmom as the case may be) should first discuss and come to an agreement as to the "rules of the house". These should be presented to the kids together in a family meeting early on. (It helps if they are written down and displayed in a common area such as on the kitchen refrigerator.)
So, once a rule is broken or a child's misbehaves, who should be the disciplinarian? Most couple's think that they should both equally be in charge of disciplining the children. This is one of the biggest mistakes in newly formed stepfamilies and will often lead to serious relationship problems in the family.
Rules without Relationship = Disaster
If your child does not yet have a bonded relationship with your new spouse - in other words, knows him or her well and knows that they truly care about them - then the discipline should not yet come from that step-parent. Time needs to be given to grow the relationship before the stepparent can step in and become the disciplinarian for your child. The bio-parent should be the sole disciplinarian at first.
Most stepparents ask, "So, does this mean that I just keep my mouth shut when the child is misbehaving or breaking rules?". Of course not. Rules are put in place for the harmony of the family as well as the safety of the child so they cannot be ignored. If you are a stepparent observing your stepchild misbehaving you firmly remind them of the "rule of the house" that they are breaking and the consequence. "Johnny, you know that you're not allowed to watch tv before homework is done. Your dad's rule is that now the tv has to be turned off for the rest of the night." Johnny will either comply with the rule, ending the situation or not and then stepmom can just say, "Well I guess you will have to discuss your breaking of the rule with dad when he gets home."
Teaching Tool or Punishment?
The goal of discipline should be to teach a child to live within the rules of the house in the same way they will be expected to live within the rules of society. Discipline should be seen as a teaching tool, not just a punishment. When we think of it as a punishment, "That kid MUST be punished!" then we end up in a never-ending power struggle not only with our step-kids, but our spouse as well.
If you feel you cannot implement these strategies in your home because you or your spouse are already in this power struggle stepfamily coaching can help. Call me today at 408-786-1070 for a free consultation.
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Esther Ludlow : Posted on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 8:57 PM
NEW IMMUNIZATION REQUIREMENT
If you live in California and you have a student who will be entering 7th - 12th grade in the fall they MUST receive an adolescent whooping cough booster shot before the start of the school year. This is a new requirement so you will want to check if your child has received it and make an appointment with your health care provider to have it administered if they have not.
 SUMMER READING ASSIGNMENTS
Also, did you know that many high schools now assign summer reading projects to students? Your student should have received this information from their English teacher (or parents of incoming freshmen may have received the information by mail or email) at the end of the last school year. I always remind the parents of my homework coaching clients about this assignment. It is easily overlooked (or ignored!) by many students due to busy summer schedules.
Some schools only require the summer reading project for students who are taking Honors or AP English courses, while some schools require ALL students to complete a summer reading assignment. For example, both Leland High School in San Jose and Los Gatos High School require all their students to complete at least one novel this summer. Students will be tested on the material when school begins in the fall.
How do you find out if your child has a summer reading assignment? First stop should be the school website. It's often featured on the home page, if not, check the English Department page. Or you can call the school. Many school offices begin to open again in early August if not sooner.
If your child does NOT have a required summer reading assignment I highly recommend that parents require their children to read during the summer. Studies show that reading and writing skills decline over the summer because children neglect to read at all, preferring television, video games and other activities.
BEST BOOKS?
It's important for your child to read books that are geared for their age, reading proficiency and interest. One of the best ways to find books your child will be interested in and will challenge them without being too far above their reading level is to talk to your local librarian. The children's section of your library will have lists of recommended books as well. The San Jose Public Library has a Summer Reading Program every year where your child can earn prizes for reading books over the summer. Finally, if you have a local, independent bookstore in your area, your bookseller can be a wealth of information. In San Jose, Hicklebee's Books focuses mostly on books for children, tweens and teens and have children's authors come and speak as well as activities for kids.
Wishing you all a great summer, a healthy fall and good reading!
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Esther Ludlow, M.A., Family & Relationship Coach: Posted on Friday, July 15, 2011 11:18 AM
Marriage therapy, couples counseling, and marriage retreats have been popular in the U.S. since the 1970s to help strengthen and save marriages. Even so, the U.S. divorce rate is still high. Studies show anywhere from 40 to 60 percent of marriages currently end in divorce. Almost all divorcing couples with children say that their main priority is to minimize the impact on the children as much as possible. But, is that really possible? Most adult children of divorce remember the divorce in a very negative light and often tell of feeling stressed, angry, depressed and lonely during and after a divorce. While you may not be able to completely shelter your child from the pain of divorce there are some things you should be aware of to help children cope.
Give Them Time to Grieve Parents sometimes forget that they've had a lot more time to grieve a dying marriage and prepare for the inevitable breakup than their child has. Usually, parents try to shield their child from the fights and growing distance between mom and dad only revealing the final outcome - mommy and daddy are divorcing - in one big announcement. While you and your spouse may have had years to process this conclusion a child's grieving process only starts when mom or dad moves out of the house and they see their day-to-day existence change. Be prepared for you child to go through the grieving process for months or longer.
Allow Children to Express Emotions Don't try to "cheer them up" immediately if they are feeling sad. Parents often feel guilty if their child expresses sadness so they will try to talk them out of these feelings or try to distract them with something fun or buying them a present. Sadness is part of the grieving process and children need to be allowed to express these emotions freely.
They may also be angry. While this is not pleasant for a parent to hear it is necessary for your child to express his or her anger. Of course, you want to help them to express this anger appropriately. Physical or verbal attacks should not be allowed, but parents can and should help them to verbalize their feelings.
Don't Introduce Your Children to New Partners Too Soon While you may be ready for a new romantic partner your child, likely, will not. Keep "dates" a separate part of your life for now while your child is still trying to get used to the new arrangements (living with mom or dad exclusively, moving between two homes due to shared custody, etc.). While they may like the attention a new person brings, should your relationship not work out, your child will suffer another loss that will compound their feelings of grief over the divorce.
Most of all let your child process the changes that the divorce brings as slowly as possible. Minimize bringing the tension between you and your ex to the attention of your child. Never make them pick sides or "bad-mouth" their parent to them. By paying close attention to your child and his or her needs and feelings after a divorce you will help them to cope better in the long run.
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Esther Ludlow : Posted on Thursday, July 14, 2011 3:15 PM
 I'm so excited to welcome you to my new blog, "Family 411"! I will be posting news, information, advice and topics that REAL families care about. I hope that you will interact with me by posting comments, feedback and suggestions on family and parenting topics that matter to you.
Some of the topics that we will be featured this summer include summer family travel, kids and social media, getting ready for the next school year and much more.
I hope you will visit Family 411 often and share it with your friends.
Wishing you all a wonderful summer!
Esther |
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